....

I wish i had the courage to post more songs and poems that I've written on here. The only one i did post on here was because I read at a poetry reading. Its the only one I've been brave enough to read. I'm also pissed because I had alot of my writing on a computer I once had that crashed and died for all eternity. So those are lost. Plus it had part of my story on it. That really pissed me off. It discouraged me from writing my book for a long time. How would you like to rewrite a book all over again from memory. Its kind of hard to recapture the essence of the original

Angry

I'm so angry lately. I dont know why. I wake up not in a good mood. wanting to punch someone in the face. Today i had the rawest attitude. i kept throwing things at the guy i sit next to. He knew i was only messing with him but i needed some kind of outlet and dont know how to let it out. I'm thinking of buying a punching bag for moments like these. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my good old days when i would buy a bottle of 100 proof vodka and down half a bottle and feel nothing. I know thats the easy way out but sometimes I wish I could do that again. I know its unhealthy and that lifestyle is in the past but its so hard not to get wasted and forget everything. and feel numb. and just exist in the moment. i really need that punching bag

Coming Soon

An excerpt from my book that i'm writing

Bad Girls

Watching the Bad Girls Club kinda gets me wondering about some things. Like what exactly makes a bad girl. I love this show but it doesnt really showcase what a bad girl is. At least not the recent shows. Its so much more psychological than what they show on the surface. These chicks thinks that whoever screams the loudest is the baddest. its not about yelling and fighting all the time. They even have people with eating disorders on the show as the sole reason for them being a bad girl! Sometimes I wish I could just go on the show and be like "This is what a bad girl is". If you all qualify, I qualify ten times harder. I can't say what makes me a bad girl, because i cant sit here and reveal that stuff about me. besides if you don't know then I'm doing my job. But yeah. Thats it

My Book

I'm about to start writing again. A few years ago i started to write a book. But I got busy and stopped. Then I tried again and had writer's block.Then last year I tried to start writing it again but when i read what i started off with i was disgusted. My biggest critic is myself. I know what good writing is so when i see my writing i don't think it measures up with the writers I have in mind. But who cares right? Its my book. I can do whatever I want. If it sucks it sucks. But at least I did it. So no more excuses. *Excuses are tools for the incompetent,. Used to build monuments of nothingness. And those who specialize in them seldom amount to anything.* So all i need to do is change a few things around in the original story and start it back up. That is my goal and I'm working on it.........now

Untitled

Drip Drop Drip Drop

The blood flows and then it stops

I breathe in, and then,out

Look in the mirror,begin to doubt

Who am i? What have i become?

What everyone says. I'm stupid and dumb

I begin to cry. Tears fall from my eyes

I stare back in the mirror,

Not breaking my stance. I see clearer.

Or so i thought. I cut myself, and now I'm caught

In a situation that can't be bought

with money or words, but only fought

through deeds and feelings that i've been taught

Its only a matter of time, before I'm found

Lying in my own blood, safe and sound

Twisted as that seems, I'll be no longer bound

To this world that expects too much

But its ok, because now....I'm free

Question

I have a question. This isnt really a blog. I use to be pretty strong. I never really cried over things. I use to be able to keep it together so to speak. Say if someone died. I wouldnt cry in fron of anyone. I would wait till i was *behind closed doors* and release whatever it was i was bottling up. You would think that after all these years i would be this mile high, mile thick,brick wall. Nothing gets in. Nothing gets out. but its the total opposite! I cry over everything. I'm such a basket case. One day i went over my friends house because i couldnt stop crying and i literally sat there crying on her shoulder! Thats not me. she even said it was weird seeing me like that because thats not me. What's going on. When you get older do you get more weak? And sorry if this comment offends, its just that i always looked at letting your guard down or even crying as being weak. Actually just in my case. Case in point. If i saw one of my sisters crying, that wouldnt be weak in my eyes. Just them releasing emotions. But if i cry i dont like it. I feel like i let people down because i didnt keep it together. Is it just me? I'm confused. i think this Nonblog turned into one

Multiple Personalities

Have you ever had an outer body experiences. Like your watching yourself but not not really in the moment.Its a really strange feeling i can't quite place or explain. You live your days like any other day. And you go through the motions like a robot. You feel nothing. Your just living. You want to scratch, claw, scream, anything. Waiting for the moment when you feel like your other half. The one that feels. The one thats happy. The one that offers life more than you do. The one that doesnt feel trap. Or feels suffocated. Then when that other personality comes you forget that this is your time to live in the moment and enjoy whatever it is your feeling. And since your so stuck on the one thats dead, thats all you think about. You wonder when is it going to come back. How much longer do you have to be happy. When is that person coming back. Before you know it That Old Personality is back. And your stuck right back in the trap. Depressing? Its life

Thinking of You *taken from katy perry*

i need to express some feelings. before i explode. lately i've been feeling very empty. very depressed. and hopeless. i lost someone i cared about. no one really gets how i feel about this lost, because i don't show how i really feel about people. until now. only because i'm truly affected by it. and it hurts still so much. how is the one guy i compare all the other guys to gone? thats pretty huge. because of timing i could never be with this person. which is pretty lame. it never was a good time to be with this person. and i dont believe in pushing things. if its not meant to be then its not meant to be. but i felt it was. just not at that moment. we were planning on getting together at a time when things weren't so inconvenient. now he's gone. just like that. now what? i just accept it and move on? i feel hopeless. i feel....... no matter what i do its never going to be the right time. or the right person. i've sifted through guys like flour. and its never worked out well. and i'm starting to feel HOPELESS. i'm almost numb now. i'm over trying. i give up

Army Wives

i've been watching Army Wives for awhile now and it got me thinking how nice it would be to be one. I would say it looks fun, but to people who don't know me, doesn't know what i would mean by that. It looks very hard to do. You have to be very brave. If you have kids sometimes you have to be a single mother. And you have to be very supportive. There's alot that goes on behind the military life. Sometimes the families don't agree with everything but they're there for their husbands and wives. But it also seems to be very romantic. One of the characters said when she married her husband she didnt realize how much worrying she would be doing and crying. she thought it would be sexy and romantic to marry a soldier. I agree. I think I would be up for all the tasks. I pride myself on being a very strong person. If I'm breaking down inside you would never know. I can be very supporting. And my love and passion? Well, I have alot to give. : )

P.S. One of the cutest army shirts i've seen is Who's your Bahgdaddy?

Jealousy

So i'm not one to get jealous of anybody. at all. i think green is a hideous color on someone if it isn't apart of their outfit. *depending on the getup* but if there is one thing i'm jealous of is someone who can sing. and i mean good. not just regular singing. The ones when you hear them you get goosebumps. and their are some good singers who can just plain old sing real good and thats not the type i'm jealous of. i'm jealous of the singers who can actually feel the song. who can feel that genre they're apart of. I'm a huge fan of renee olstead. there are performances of hers at the age of thirteen and she just has it. literally brilliant. if i could express myself myself the way they can thats all i could ever ask for. i write and i can express myself through poetry and songs and stories, but to effortlessly be able to sing and touch people still amazes me.

My Blogs

So I feel like i need another outlet to talk besides my notebooks. I have alot of thoughts going on in this head of mine. To some people it probably means nothing. To me........... alot of it means nothing also, BUT! I think its fun to write and talk about nothing. So whoever is reading this, if anyon, enjoy. My name is kelli and i'm here to just talk. If you have any suggestoins pick a topic and i'll tell you how i feel. Peace out